By Jim Bruce
This is a
comedy sketch about WWF-style professional wrestlers learning to deal with
their feelings with hugs and communication instead of metal chairs. A kind of Dr. Dre/Dr. Phil from Oprah
hybrid.
Created for and performed by ‘Trouser Shock’, an
LA based sketch troupe. October 2000
CAST
OF CHARACTERS
Vince
Bob
Referee
General
Justice
The
Murderer
(Announcers
Vince and Bob are off-stage calling the match.
The action matches what the announcers describe. It begins mostly with preening, like all
wrestling matches.)
VINCE
Boy, this is going to be
some match.
BOB
You’re right about that
Vince. General Justice has a score to
settle and it looks
like today is payday.
VINCE
He just better watch out for
sneaky tricks, because lately, it seems like wrestling has been
marred by sneaky
tricks… It looks like it won’t be long
till we find out.
(The
combatants approach the ring)
REFEREE
Ladies and gentlemen. Stepping into the ring at 300 pounds. A man who bleeds red,
white and blue. A guy Norman Schwartkov called the greatest
living American patriot.
Let’s have a warm battle cry
for… General Justice!
(Justice
salutes the crowd, preens, you know, wrestler crap.)
REFEREE
And now, evil incarnate,
weighing in at 310, steady yourselves for the
devastation that is… The
Murderer!
(The
Murderer makes faces at the crowd, displaying a kind of contempt unique to bad
guys who are wrestlers.)
VINCE
I’ve got to say, I do not
like the Murderer one bit.
BOB
I’m with you on that one
Vince. A couple of rope bounces to
start the match, and
ohhh, the General just
missed him with the clothesline.
VINCE
That’s still a good strategy
though Bob. He’s feeling the murderer
out. Ohhh,
that one didn’t miss
though! A good shot to the head!
BOB
Wow! Nice turnaround on the part of the Murderer.
VINCE
Here comes the General’s
patented liberty bell crunch. My god!
BOB
In all of sports, that has
to be the greatest move. What can you
do against it?
VINCE
Nothing.
BOB
Exactly, nothing. Oh my God!
The murderer just landed a devastating elbow
to the solar plexus.
VINCE
And now he’s spinning the
General around by the hair. Why that’s
totally illegal! Where is
the referee? And the General breaks out of it.
BOB
But now the murderer has
thrown some kind of blinding dust in the face of General Justice.
The General is down and is
now at the mercy of the feet of the murderer.
VINCE
This is outrageous! Why is the ref allowing this to happen?
BOB
Oh my God, and now he’s
pulled out a hammer. It looks like he
is going to
apply his famous mudering!
VINCE
This will surely be a black
eye to the face of wrestling.
What is he doing now?
BOB
It looks like he’s having
second thoughts.
VINCE
Yes, and now it looks like
he’s feeling remorse!
BOB
Oh my god, and now he’s
talking to the General and admitting he had been planning to
use an illegal object on
him. Wow the General looks mad.
VINCE
Yes but now he’s taking the
time to hear him out. The murderer is
explaining that
he feels hurt and
disrespected which is what makes him act out like this.
I can’t believe the ref is
allowing this.
BOB
And now the General is using
this illegal object thing to bring up the fact that the
Murderer never calls him to
go to wrestler parties.
VINCE
And the Murderer is pointing
out that this conversation has nothing to do with that,
and why is he bringing that
up now.
BOB
Wow. The General is now admitting that maybe he
is also partly to blame. Where is the
ref?
They seem to be agreeing
that from now on when they have a problem, instead of
building up a grudge, there
going to talk about it.
VINCE
And now they are sharing a
laugh over something funny mutual friend Dark Wolf did.
REFEREE
I declare that this match is
a draw.
(Vince
comes out and interviews The General.
Bob interviews The Murderer.)
VINCE
What happened out there
General?
GENERAL
Lemme tell you
something. We talked it out, and
nothing more needs to be said. He said
he was sorry and now we are
going to get a drink together. Frankly,
I’m relieved.
BOB
Wow murderer, you almost had
him.
MURDERER
I think I was just
projecting. When I was hitting him in
the head with a wrench I was really
hitting my dad with a
wrench. And I’ve got a message for you,
Tank Jones, in our next match
I’m going to tear you apart, but first I want to say, what I said
about your girlfriend, ‘Breastzilla’ was
Inappropriate and a result
of my own deep-seated fear that I may never find true love,
and I wish you nothing but
happiness and success.
VINCE
Wow, what a night.
BOB
And fans, make sure to tune
into pay per view on August 30th in a no holds barred cage
match where we guarantee one
of the wrestlers will finally come to terms with his
sexuality and have a frank
discussion with his parents.
VINCE
Amazing!
THE END